Losing Yourself in Relationships

If you've ever lost yourself before and have been fortunate enough to realize that you had lost yourself, then it usually becomes paramount to you that you never lose yourself again. At times we get hyper aware of situations where we're losing ourselves again. A lot of times For whatever reason (and there are many reasons which is a whole nother convo) but for whatever reason people will meet someone and want to exist in their world so bad even if that person's world is not an environment where we can naturally thrive....we then, (for whatever reason) are so hell bent on existing in that person's world, we start to alter fundamental things about ourselves and start acquiring "equipment" that will help us survive in a foreign world that doesn't support the type of existence that we naturally need to thrive and be happy. So after a while, once a person finally realizes that that world just isn't meant for them, what we're left with is a stranger disguised as self.....and unfortunately often times we don't even remember who we used to be or how we used to exist prior to this stranger using our likeness as an avatar. 

Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship?!?! Well, I have. It was so subtle too! I never even realized it had happened until I went thru it, had been torn down because of it, and came out on the other side of it more self aware than I had ever been. But man in hindsight I was so ashamed of myself. I had gotten so caught up into putting her first that I started becoming a person who's main objective was to cater to her. Whether I was successful or not...my main objective was to be what she wanted in a man. Instead of recognizing that the "actual me" isn't who she wanted and that she wanted to shape me into a person that met all of her specific likes and dislikes and all of her opinions of what a man should be, I kept sacrificing pieces of who I was in order to "make her happy" because you know...."relationships aren't easy and they "call for compromise." Problem is that most times I saw compromise as giving in to what my partner wanted and putting who I was on the back burner. I was literally and had literally become a whole nother person. A person that allowed himself to be manipulated "in the name of love" not knowing that actual love would allow me to be my free self. Actual love doesn't call for you to change who you are. It may require you to grow, and elevate, and evolve...but it doesn't require you to change who are and become a person someone else wants you to be. And to be fair, she wasn’t doing anything maliciously, her and I just didn’t fit together, but we were trying to make the pieces fit. So I also recognize that she more than likely felt the exact same way that I did as far as losing herself in that relationship as well. But there are people who intentionally manipulate their partners to change. There's so many different ways we lose ourselves too. Fear of some sort, manipulation, expectations for what we think our life should look like "by now", loneliness, lust etc. and the list goes on....but one thing is for sure...once you shatter that image of the manufactured you, you're left with the broken pieces and it's hard to put them back together in the right sequence....I had truly forgotten who I was. I had to remember things I used to enjoy all the way in high school, and stuff that interested me now and things that I wanted to get into in the future. I mean I was literally starting from scratch, I legit did not know myself. And to be honest I'm still figuring out who I am. That's been the beauty in this whole journey of self discovery. I'm forever changing and evolving so I'm forever learning about myself.

Having your partner change core or fundamental things about who they are just to appease your ego or desire is not a flex. If your partner enjoys doing something or enjoys existing in a certain way....and you hate it so you constantly hound them about it and eventually persuade them to change that thing about themselves....that is super selfish and a sign that  you may not actually like partner or be ready for a real relationship.  And yes I know, there's always going to be the topic of if you are with somebody, it’s healthy to try and help them become better ppl in general. (That goes both ways) so trying to get them to see how their actions or habits are harming themselves or others with whatever it is they may be doing (drinking excessively, doing drugs, being in the streets, being overly negative, involving themselves in other ppl's drama etc.) If they don't choose you over those things after you've tried to assist them in moving away from those things....then YOU have a decision to make...put up with it or leave. If it's something disrespectful to you or the relationship and they'd rather hold on to that thing vs reassuring you by quitting the disrespectful thing, then again u have a decision to make. But I digress, I’m not talking about those types of changes. I specifically am talking about things, hobbies, or ways that they enjoy existing that isn't harming themselves or anyone else, and it's not disrespectful to you or the relationship, their partner just personally don't like it and tries to change that about them for their own self gratification. That speaks way more to their moral character than anything else. It takes a very self centered and controlling person to want to change fundamental or core things about a person "they love" JUST BECAUSE THEY DONT LIKE IT...and I feel like there's a lot of that present in modern day relationships.

The main point is this, your partner enjoys when you get into the stuff they're into and you don't complain or try to take it away from them. So many of us (and by us I mean ppl in general (both men and women)) so many of us will do something with our partners because we feel like we're doing them a favor. Whole time you're huffing and puffing, rushing, complaining, insulting them etc. which ultimately ruins an intimate experience their partners were trying to share with them. Allowing your partner to share in on the things that you love is a very intimate and at times, vulnerable gesture. And when a person rejects that gesture and meets it with attitudes, anger, agitation etc. and then try to persuade or shame their partner for doing it just because they don’t like it or see the benefit in it is such a disrespectful thing to do to someone you supposedly love.  And this is why I say I have to be best friends with the woman I'm with and vice versa. Why? Because even if I don't enjoy something she does, I enjoy it when she enjoys doing it with me. I want to enhance the things she enjoys. Best friends want genuine happiness for you and best friends appreciate and don't take for  granted when their friend opens up and includes them in something that brings them joy or peace. So many people fumble that opportunity to experience true intimacy on that level. That's real intimacy. I be wanting to know everything, like, why do you like this so much? Explain what aspects of it give you joy. How'd you get into this in the first place? I love learning about a woman I'm in love with. Tell me every single small detail about all the things. Also, if you're the person who's partner is trying to genuinely learn something you love so that they can do it together with you, please have patience and handle the situation with care. I’ve both seen and experienced people snapping on their partners for asking them questions and wanting to have genuine conversations about whatever it is they’re interested in.  Trying to learn and share a common interest with your partner and they get irritated?!?! Yikes.

One thing that's a non-negotiable for me, that is also something that I provide to my partner, is the importance of truly being heard. Often times we experience a person showing interest in us without actually being interested in who we really are or how and why we really are. It's a true blessing to have someone actually want to listen to you talk and open up about things, and to do things that you find interesting or important. It's a blessing to have somebody that just loves to find out and explore all the different layers that make you who you are....that's freedom. To experience a person that appreciates that you even exist in the first place because they love who you are. They're fascinated with you and your mind and how it works, they're appreciative that u can open up and show them the true you without making you feel weird, or like you're not being listened to ... They don't make you feel like going into a shell and hiding parts of who you are out of fear of being judged....instead it feels good to let the whole and true you out. It's a good feeling to show somebody your whole true self and they fall deeper in love with u because of it.

I saw a post one time that said men will watch anything you watch as long as they like you! LoL and I laughed for minutes at that because it may not be ANYTHING anything, but this is true though. LoL I once watched The Young and the Restless for like 3 years because one of my ex’s was really into it. Lmao It started to get good too once I started getting the history lessons and back stories and stuff. But it was more so the bonding we were able to do around the show that I enjoyed. I enjoyed having something in common with her that was her thing first. She “put me on”  and we all know there is no greater bonding experience in the black community than the “put on.” Lol if you ever “put somebody on” to something, they will remember you forever.

(TO ME) the 2 greatest and most powerful forms of intimacy are getting to know who someone is in detail, and also allowing them the space to be their true unguarded authentic selves when they're around you. It takes time to learn another person....to peel back the layers of who they are, and why they are, it takes time to learn their energy to the point that you can tell their moods by the things they don't say etc...it takes time before a person can feel like a pillar in your life in a healthy way and not a possessive way. It takes time to learn a person's dreams, and fears, and goals, and insecurities, and strengths etc. And then, have y'all ever had the privilege to be with a person that felt like they could trust you enough to be their true selves? Like, the world and their family and friends see them one way....but you get a whole different version of them because you're their safe space?!?!?!?! That's quite the flex. A private flex! This person feels safe and seen with you so much that they allow you to see the naked them. The them that no else gets the privilege of seeing, that's real intimacy. 

For anyone reading this that hasn’t yet found their life partner, I’m speaking and wishing a love that truly makes you feel safe and seen in your life. A love that will never have you questioning who you are or who you have become, a love that never allows you to lose yourself within or outside of yourself. May the love you find provide you with freedom, and fulfilment, direction, and purpose.